Be still…

The uncertainty she felt about her future was becoming an overwhelming mountain of doubt. Like a jungle filled with an infinity amount of pathways , each one only showing the possibility of a new direction, but the rest of the path still unexposed and hidden in the jungles tangled vegetation.

“How can one make a decision when the consequences are not clear? How does one know which path to choose? The possibilities are endless. The choices too overwhelming!”

Her mind responded by adding more noise. The voice of reason for each choice becoming louder and louder.

“How is one supposed to make a decision in this noise”, she whispered in despair.

Just then a tiny voice broke through and said ” Be still. Just be still.”

She sighed and felt herself relax.” Be still I can do. Be still is a pathway I can take. A pathway with a promise of clarity.”

And with this decision, the voices became quiet and once again she felt she could breathe. Even if it was just for now.

 

 

hush and listen

be still dear mind and stop your worry

listen to the wind. listen

it’s singing the ancient song

the song about your life

the song to remind you that life is more

life is a gift. life is beautiful

listen and let your soul remember

listen and feel

listen and dance

dance to the song with arms wide open

embrace your life. embrace your song

let the wind guide you

no more worry

trust the song

step out for the world to see you

you are the world

you are the wind

just hush and listen

Passion..where are you? I need you!

I’m sitting in my new house, waiting to feel the excitement and ecstasy I always imagined having more time on my own would bring. But on the contrary I feel more numb. After I quit my job, I thought being more home, would provide me with the much needed time I have always searched and hungered for. Time to ride the horses. Time for work the dogs. Time to clean the house. Time to read. Time to finish projects.Time to find my true calling. Time to really enjoy life. But instead I am left with a lack of excitement, a lack of motivation and a bit of guilt. I’m not sure whether this is just a part of the transitioning from relying on my masculine side and energies to always push me forward to get things done, to now trying to get in touch with my inner feminine side and voice OR if I am on the path towards a depression. It is a weird feeling to not feel anything. Besides the small pinch of guilt residing in the ego, I guess. The guilt of not being able to truly enjoy it all – to truly take advantage of the current situation and do all the things on the to-do list which has been postponed to the space in time “when I have the time”. I have everything I want. Everything I asked for, and still I’m left sitting not understanding WHY it’s not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the life the universe has helped me create – for both me , my husband and kids. But I still wonder, why? I am at a stage in my life where I don’t have to just jump out in the next new job, just to gain financial security. I am right now able to actually find out what it is I want to work with. What difference and mark I want to put on my life map. I should be over the moon excited for the future and all its new possibilities, now that I no longer am stuck behind a desk. Now that I have the chance to enjoy the weather, my house , my surroundings, my animals. All the things I was missing when working in an office in front of a computer. You see, I know all about the law of attraction. I know and believe we all have a life path designed to fuel our body, mind and spirit when we find it. I believe when you follow your heart and your passion, great things will happen. I know and believe all these theories, because I am the living proof. The universe has always found a way to give me the things and opportunities  I want. The universe has spoiled me – made me feel powerful and in control of my future. And for that I am grateful. But instead of marching forward towards all the great things I can make happen, I’ve lost my motivation. I lost the goal, my focal point. I have no clue what makes me happy. No clue to what my passion is. I know my skills, I know my interests, I know the world is full of so many wonderful opportunities, wonderful and wise people and full of magic. I love living and learning. Yet still I find myself in a place where even learning new things is overwhelming. Because it adds to my to-do list.It adds to my responsibilities. I have two businesses, which I know I can take to the next level with focus and goal setting. Two businesses, which products and services I truly believe in. All I have to do is make the decision to make it happen. To make them successful. So why do I hesitate? why do I put it off? Why do I only want to watch movies or read books? I’m wise enough to know that I am just trying to hide from reality. That watching and reading about fictional characters is just a way to be somewhere else – a better place where no decisions or plans need to be made. Where I am just watching , observing , feeling in the moment. Not analyzing, not planning, not adding to a to-do list. But we all know that you can’t hide from reality – with two kids and a husband, reality comes knocking at the door every morning when getting them ready and to daycare and when they come home again.

I have the opportunity of a lifetime to create the life I want. Take the road that will make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. Take the road that will make a difference. Find my path in life. Ironically, I have instead shot down. Life is strange and  I am sure there is a lesson in this for me to learn from. An experience which I need to recall when moving forward, to keep my focus. But right now I just feel lost.

I have been told, I am a writer. Not sure about that at first, but I did just start (usually don’t finish) a great book about how we all are writers , simply because we were born. I believe that.

I have been told that I have healing hands. Sounds like it would be a  great way to make a living – helping and healing people, but the desire is not there at the moment.

So what is my desire, what is my passion? Great questions and something I still haven’t been able to answer. One thing I know for sure: Never again an 8-5 job! It kills my soul and life is too short to sit behind a desk unless you truly enjoy it. After my last job, it took my brain about three weeks before it finally slowed down and stopped throwing ideas at me constantly at 90 mph. My brain sees opportunities and ideas everywhere, which gets me excited for a while, but then I lose motivation. I know I can never change that, and I shouldn’t. I should embrace it. But it also leaves me wonder, if I am just too spoiled? DO I just expect a lot and not wanting to do the work for it?

For now, the ideas are just overwhelming and I glad that it has finally decided to slow down. Ideas means new commitments and requirements and tasks. My to-do list is already two pages long with my current businesses and current commitments and opportunities.

I have an opportunity to write an article for the local news paper which will help promote me as the local expert in this field and help my business. I should be thrilled and excited. I’m not. I have postponed the article for over a month.

I am doing translation work for one of the most respected animal behaviorist and authors in America. It is only 2 pages.  I’m only halfway done. It has taken me over a year!

I have two videos I need to record. its only a few minutes long. I’ve had over two months. I haven’t even started.

I signed my dog up for new Trick class to earn his next title. I forgot all about it.

I have almost completed level II in Reiki. Tried twice.Lost my motivation.

This is only a few of my loose ends.The thing is, I see the opportunity, I jump for it and I will get the chance to do it. I’m not afraid to ask. I’m not afraid to introduce myself. I’m not afraid to put myself out there and yet there seem to be a wall growing bigger and bigger in front of me. A wall filled with all the loose ends of my opportunities and commitments. A wall full of never ending tasks which I need to complete. Books  I need to finish reading. Assignments I need to finish. Videos I need  to create and edit. Stories I need to finish writing. Emails I need to answer. Maybe that is it.Maybe nothing new can happen until I finish and deliver my loose ends in a neatly tied bow and can cross them off my list. Maybe my new focus is behind the wall, but first I need to take the wall down brick by brick, task by task. Maybe my inner filing cabinet is simply overloaded and went on a strike. I don’t blame it. Who knows how our inner self is working? I just know, I don’t like the current state of numbness, but I am also not quite sure whether I need to do something about it or just acknowledge, that it is a part of a my new journey. A part of my new transition and  it will eventually fade away.

One thing I do know, is that some day I would really like to meet my passion! To really discover what it is that will fuel my inner fire.  And to reconcile with all the strong emotions which were a part of me in my first twenty five or so years of my life. The strong and messy feelings. Back when I felt injustice to the bone. When I fell in love with everything I had. And when I was hurt, I felt it all through my soul. It was messy. It was exuberant. It was dramatic but it was alway exciting and it made me feel alive! I miss that. I miss feeling alive in my core.

I’mn not sure what to do now., except no more thinking. The recipe for right now must simply be to  put on some music.Loud music and dance around. Dance around like an idiot and  then take it from there.

Life is strange, wonderful and very ironic.

Hallelujah !

I quit my job…now what?

To be honest, I hadn’t been happy in my job for quite some time. The job tasks were ok, sometimes challenging, which I loved, but sitting behind a desk 8 hours a day is just not for me and never has been. The management were by no means professional, the work environment was toxic and people were walking around on eggshells afraid of being yelled at, so I knew that this was not the place for me.

In the process of mentally leaving, my body and soul started to questioning WHY it is we have created a society where people need to sit inside at a desk 40 hours a week, when most of us are unhappy with this tedious task. I believe I read somewhere that over 60%  of the people in America are unsatisfied with their job! Think about it ..60%! That is a lot of people, wasting great years of their lives doing things they don’t like. And I refused to become a part of that statistic.

Unfortunately my resignation didn’t go a cool headed and dignified as one might have hoped. Instead it became an emotional mess, but the end result was still the same.I now don’t have a job. And that is ok. This time around I will try and make a better choice moving forward. I will push the “safe and secure” option aside and not make a choice based on fear of the future, but instead try to focus on what my inner voice guides me to. Focus on the things will make me happy to work with. Not an easy task , when ones inner voice has been hidden for years under layers of noise. Layers of expectations, ambitions, traditions and social norms. I have asked myself many times, what it is I would like to do. What I think will make me happy but that is one of the hardest questions I have ever asked myself and one I still can not answer. I am slowly getting closer to the answer, inching my way forward by snail speed and for a person like me, that usually would like to see results already yesterday, this is hard. This is the time for me to slow down and listen. This is the time where I need to allow myself to sit in the sun or read a book or watch a movie or whatever I might like to do – with no quilt! It sounds easy, but once again I can tell you, that it has proven very hard to rewire the masculine program in my body to just sit and NOT make plans. It took over three weeks before my brain started to slow down and I could hear myself again through the noise of new ideas, opportunities, to-do lists and so on.

I know it is a luxury, but it is also a luxury which I now understand is something I need to allow myself to have. I have pushed hard for many years without allowing myself to just breathe and relax…and I am tired. Tired to the bone.

So if you ever have the opportunity, please give yourself the gift of allowing yourself some time to just be still. Allow yourself time to find the authentic you. The person you were always meant to be, because it is who you truly are at the very core.

The best of luck to you on your journey moving forward.

C

Paris, My Paris

Paris. Everybody knows of Paris, either from a movie, a book or by experience. But do you want to see my Paris? Paris is so much more than the Eiffel Tower and the Seine. More than Notre Dame de Paris and Arc de Triomphe. Even more than Louvre and Mona Lisa. All very impressive attractions indeed, but Paris is more. Paris is fresh baked baguettes and croissants de hazelnut. Paris is mousse au chocolate and petit four. Paris is red checkered tablecloth and delicious red wine. Paris is cafe’s and strong espresso. Paris is the place where you can walk everywhere without feeling your are in a major European city. Paris will give your taste buds an experience unlike anything they have ever had before. Paris is streets with prostitutes in colorful outfits and sassy attitudes. Paris is kids playing with their balls in the beautiful green public parks, while their parents drink wine and smoke cigarettes near by. Paris is street and flea markets. Paris is fashion clothes and high heels. Paris is elegance and delicacies mixed with antiques, culture and history. Paris will draw you to her in an alluring dance and create an illusion just how beautiful life can be, before turning her back on you. Paris is the past, present and the future.

Do yourself a favor and add Paris to your bucket list. When you arrive, take your time. Just walk and observe and indulge and you too will have your own Paris.

Paris, Je t’aime and I will see you soon.

Horses and courage

Yesterday I did something which still today makes me feel really proud of myself.

You see, we have two horses which we currently do not have any saddles for.Why not is a longer story and of no importance.

First there is Boe, a quarter horse. We bought Boe when he was three and green broke. He was going to be my summer project, however that summer I became pregnant and now 5 years and two kids later, Boe is still with us, but not with many miles under the saddle. But again, as with so many of our other animals, we have been really fortunate. Boe is a real nice gelding, eager to learn and even though he can easily be spooked, he will avoid harming you if possible.

Then there is Mr Ed , a Tennessee walker which we just bought for my husband. I have only been on Mr Ed’s back for 10 minutes ,before we decide to buy him. He just gave us that instant feeling of being a good , well tempered horse and so far he has lived up to it by being kind, respectful and super sweet.

Living in Montana I am surrounded by horse people and thereby often reminded, how rarely I take the time to go for a ride and how much I still have to learn. Things which I can only learn if I get in the saddle and work for it.  But with no saddle, how do you ride? Well the answer is quite simple for many people out here: You just ride bareback. But for me, that is just not a very simple and straightforward solution. Because of two kids, full time work and all the other excuses I can pull of the top of my head, I have not been enough on horseback the last five years to have the confidence in my own riding abilities..and especially not bareback. Are you kidding me!!

However, after all the snow we have had, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to go ride: The snow is so high that the horses get easily tired and if I fall, I would most likely land softer than on a warm summer day. I tried to go for it Saturday but must admit I lost my courage and instead decided to hang out with a neighbor. But Sunday, the stars and planets all aligned and since my husband took the kids, I decided to give it another try. First with Boe, since I know him better and he is not as tall as Mr Ed. Unfortunately Boe thought that today was the perfect day to keep running around in the round pen and almost discouraged me with his enormous amount of energy. But I carried on. Backed him up to the fence, climbed up the fence and almost lost my grip when my wet boot slid on the fence, slid one leg over his back while still hanging on for dear life to fence, and convincing myself to not listen to the little voice of fear every little step of way.The little voice that kept saying ” you are too old and not a good enough rider to do this”,  you will fall off” . But I kept on going. It wasn’t pretty by no means, but I did it. And to be honest,  I think I was able to make that final push from sliding a leg over the his back to actually sit on him because I had let him show me if he was ok. He was not tied up and could move any time he wanted to . But he showed me, that he trusted me to not harm him on my crazy endeavor, so he decided to stand still until I was on. And I think that made me feel that in just that moment I could trust him. He could decide to throw me off five minutes later if he wanted to, but in that final moment where you have to  let go of your “safety net” (read: fence!) , I decided to trust him and that was awesome. It was great to just get out of my head with all my scary thoughts, and just focus on the moment and on what was right in front of me. A great big animal, who could harm me if he wanted, had decided to let me crawl on his back. Experiences like this makes me not only feel proud of myself, but also very thankful and humble to have the opportunity to be around these great creatures. So a big thank you was given after the ride. And because Boe gave me this great experience, he also gave me the courage to try and ride bareback on Mr Ed. And oh my God , how it was not pretty. Mr Ed is a very tall horse. Add it took me quite a few tries to even get up high enough on the fence, without sliding off (damn wet boots!). But again I did it and Mr Ed turned out to be the perfect gentleman.(Thank God!)

I put my trust in myself as well as my horse, something I haven’t done for a long time, and it really gave me a great sense of accomplishment and just feeling dang proud of myself. Proud because I didn’t let fear take the upper hand, but instead listened to my gut feeling in that particular moment.

My advice to you is, keep challenge yourself. Try something new. Something that might make you feel very self conscious and maybe even uncomfortable. Only by challenge our selves can we grow and learn more about our strength and weaknesses.

Also please keep in mind: Be grateful and thankful to the animals in your life. They will and can teach you more than you ever thought possible.

Is teaching fairness actually an injustice?

“I had it first!” “I was going to play with that!” “Why do I only have two pieces when he has four?” “I want a piece of that apple, but she doesn’t want to give it to me!” These outbursts are usually initiated with “Mom” and exclaimed in a volume high enough to initiate permanent damage to the cells of the inner ear. 
Yes, I have a 5 and a 2-year-old. A girl and a boy. And they love each other very much. In fact, they love each other so much that they constantly fight over toys, the amount of fiber gummies or whatever might be the “hot” topic of the hour. I am usually needed as the referee to make the decision about what is fair, who needs to share and who needs to wait until it is his or her turn. To be honest, it is exhausting! And lately I even find it hard to remember the rules and thereby announce what should be a just and unbiased call. 

Think about it: As a parent, every day I am put on the spot as a judge who is not only supposed to be fair but also able to explain my rulings to a toddler and a pre-schooler who each have of their own sense of logic and knowledge. Like many parents, I also know that whatever I teach them now will lay the foundation for how they perceive the world and its social rules in the years to come. Yaa, talk about pressure. 

If it is his toy, shouldn’t she ask first, even if he wasn’t playing with it? If she did indeed intend to use that train but just hadn’t finished the full track yet, should he give it back? And truly, do kids need to share everything?  If they worked and earned the toy by doing chores, is it not their “property”? Do they not get to decide who can play with it? Am I wrong to sense a gray area layered in between the golden rules of sharing? Maybe teaching my children about fairness and justice is actually doing them an injustice.

We teach our kids about sharing in the hope that it will encourage compassion and kindness. The sense of right and wrong gives comfort. Rules make us feel safe. But often these rules do not reflect the society our children will encounter when they grow up. Instead they are based on an image of a perfect world. An utopia which has never been real, except in a book by Thomas More back in 1516.   

In school they will encounter other children who will not play by the rules. The bully on the playground will just take what he wants. Some children will not share, even when asked nicely and with a “please”. And when my children grow up, they will continuously encounter other individuals who will challenge their sense of right and wrong, of fairness and justice. They will inevitably be disappointed and hurt by somebody else who does not follow the rules which I worked so hard to establish in their childhood. And to be honest, I am not quite sure how to teach them the tools necessary to handle these situations. Should they walk away? Tell somebody? Yell? Perhaps I should step down from my role as referee, allowing my children to find their own solution. If they are forced to figure it out now, will that not give them the confidence to find the solutions independently later in life?
These are questions that I find myself frequently wondering about and no, unfortunately I still don’t have the answers. I guess there are still a few golden rules I can stand by: Don’t grab something out of your sibling’s hands just because you want to play with it. If your food falls to the ground, it is fair game for the dogs, so you better hurry to pick it up. If Dad is present, ask him. And if nothing else works, both go to your rooms until you figure it out.

Human Fear

The laws of the world is based on human fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not getting justice or your fair share. Fear of letting others discover who you really are. Today’s society is based on accommodating the masses which results in suppression of the human and individual spirit. You might ask why we as individuals have allowed this development to continue for so many years if it suppresses us. Well ,I believe that it comes down to something as basic and fundamental as our need to belong. To feel accepted. To not stand out. To be considered “normal”. Normal equals comfort, security. The blanket of comfort feels nice and warm. Predictable. No messiness. No surprises. Just being one out of many doing the right thing. Doing what is expected of you.
But in the back of your mind, a tiny little voice is trying to reach the surface of your consciousness, while whispering: “Is this it? Is this really all life is? I’m not satisfied nor happy. I am bored”! Quickly you rush to suppress the voice. This ignorant and ungrateful voice. Doesn’t it understand how good things are? Quickly you bury it deep down before it gets you in trouble. You know, that you just need to keep your head down, follow the masses and follow the rules and happiness will come to you. No questions are needed to be asked. Until once again the voice dare to rise and ask a question. Quickly you suppress it once again and this you will do over and over and over and over again, until that one day when you realize, you should have listened. You should have sought your happiness, regardless of the path. You should have jumped into the unknown. You should have trusted your voice from within. But now it is too late. You sit back. Regretful. You know, you wasted your health, strength, best years of your life on being fearful. Wasted on staying in the comfort zone. The zone where you know the rules and blend in. The zone where everything is predictable. No obstacles. But also no challenges. No growth. And no faith in yourself. What a waste. What a shame.

Let’s talk about pastry..Danish pastry!

I was born and raised in Denmark. If you are not aware of this little country, it is located in Europe, just above Germany ( And no we are not Holland with Amsterdam and Red Light district – different country! I know you were wondering).

Denmark covers 16,639 sq miles (43,094 km²) ,about  twice the size of Massachusetts, and has a population of 5.59 million people 2012). We have the oldest monarchy in Europe, founded back in the 10^th century by the Viking kings Gorm the Old and Harald Bluetooth, and we have the oldest, continuously used national flag known as “Dannebrog”. Among famous Danes, I can mention Hans Christian Andersen, physicist Niels Bohr (Nobel Prize 1922), philosopher Soeren Kierkegaard (the godfather of existentialism) and just to top if all off, Lego was founded in Denmark in 1932,w2

Now you might wonder why on earth I feel the need to tell you all this. Will this knowledge benefit you at all? Probably not ,except you now can impress some friends next time you have a dinner party. However, I am telling you this, so you understand that in Denmark we have a long history of traditions and we are very proud of our roots. Which now leads us to the more serious topic of Danish pastry or as we call it “Wiener brød” (meaning bread from Vienna). “Wiener brød” was invented back in 1870 due to a baker strike. This strike forced the bakery owners to hire workers from abroad and among these several Austrian bakers, who brought along their own baking traditions and pastry recipes, hitherto unfamiliar in Denmark. The Austrian pastry soon became popular in Denmark and after the labor disputes ended, Danish bakers adopted the Austrian recipes of laminated yeast-leavened dough, creating a layered texture similar to puff pastry. Over time the Danish bakers adjusted the recipes to their own liking and traditions, by increasing the amount of egg and fat. This development resulted in what is now known today as the Danish pastry.

Again you might wonder: ‘What is her point with all these history lessons?” No worries, I am getting to it!

You see, I love Danish pastry. And being from Denmark, I have had my share of it. With my Sunday breakfast or brunch, with my afternoon coffee, on my way home from the nightclub when the local bakery opened up at 5 am. I have had the pleasure of sinking my teeth in a perfectly “puffed” danish pastry on several occasions and enjoyed every single layer of crunchiness on the outside and the sweetness of the remonce or vanilla crème or cinnamon butter on the inside. I have had the pleasure of running around town with several flakes of pastry crumbs stuck to my shirt without my knowledge. Which just makes the discovery of those extra blissful pieces even sweeter as I now have a chance to relive my earlier consumption of this divine artistry! As you can hear , danish pastry has a special place in my heart ( and on my thighs). So imagine my disappointment when moving to America and realize that what is called a “Danish” over here, is nothing short of a large amount of empty calories shaped into a sticky blend dough with some sort of jelly inside of it and with frosting on it, all while wrapped into a small crispy plastic bag with a shelf live around 8 years! Calling this piece of synthetically manufactured, non-natural, flavored cardboard sponge a Danish is nothing less than a direct insult to all Danish pastry. And since they are not able to stand and speak up for them selves, I therefore feel I need to make this astronomic insult be known to the world ! Or at least to the few people that might end up reading this post lured to it by the tag word ”pastry” or “wiener brød”!

I don’t blame it on the American consumer. If you have never been in Denmark, how would you even be aware of this unfortunate injustice happening everyday right here in your town? So, no how can I blame you. However I will blame the real force of power here…the marketing department! The powerful monster that everyday dictates how we should live our lives, which car will make us happy, which sausage will bring us delight and which shampoo will forever give us a golden luscious mane that will attract the guy with the yacht.

I understand WHY the marketing department would like to create an association for the consumer with wonderful Denmark. After all,  Denmark  is a country with lush green fields, large areas covered in trees, cute old crocked houses, large historic castles, tall blonde,blue-eyed beautiful Danes and of course the danish butter cookies, which all Americans either have received or will receive as a Holiday gift at least one time during their life span. I understand the need to sell a product, so why not link the product to a country ranked the happiest country in the world quite a few times. It is actually quite genius,until a Dane comes to America and have to take a stand. I feel it is my patriotic duty to put my foot down, right now. Yes now and declare, that the description “danish pastry”can no longer be affiliated with any products, which have a shelf live of more than 2 days and it should contain real egg and real butter!

I am no fool and therefore know, it takes more than just me to take this stand if I want to make a difference. However, after reading this post, I am sure you have a full agreeable understanding of my issue and therefore will find it absolutely necessary to stand with me. To make our voices heard across the nation, I suggest a flash mob wearing nothing but Danish pastry attached to our bodies, to get the attention needed from the public.

Write in the comments if you are willing to take a stand with me, and we will make it happen!

Thank you

Afraid to fail?

“Women are afraid to fail. I see it all the time and it is their biggest obstacle to overcome”. A client of mine made this comment while talking about exercise and why I hadn’t been exercising since my first daughter was born 4 years ago.  When he first said those words , I instantly became defensive and couldn’t help thinking : ” What do you know? you are not a woman and don’t know what it is like being a full time working mom to two little kids,and blah blah blah”. All my excuses for NOT working out were instantly running through my mind to justify my behavior and my right to feeling provoked by his statement. However, knowing he has been a personal trainer for over 25 years, I couldn’t fully disregard his statement.

“You see”, he continued,”women tend to only do cardio, when they actually should focus more on strength training in their work out. And strength training it is all about failure. You push yourself until you fail. And then you do it all over again until you fail. And then you do it again next time and next time. You just keep pushing until you fail, because in order to be successful you have to fail. So you will fail. Understand it, reflect on it, own it , and then do it again. Don’t be afraid of it and don’t be hard on yourself”.

My reply: “Well easier said than done –I am a woman!” He just laughed and said ” I know!”

But afterwards when I was by myself, I couldn’t stop thinking about this statement. What if women,including me, are afraid of failure ?  If so, do I allow that fear to limit me? I wasn’t quite sure about the answer until I turned the question around and instead asked: How would it make me feel, if I actually allowed myself to fail? A wave of relief instantly washed over me. Like an imaginary wall was crumbling to the ground around me and all the pressure was off!  What a great sensation. And, the more I thought about it , the more I found the  answer to be quite simple: Yes I do let the fear of failure limit me and stop me from doing new things!!! I realized I was actually intimidated by the thought of getting back in shape. The end result would be awesome, but to get there, meant I would first have to face the fact that I was no longer in shape and could not even do a push up or run  200 yards.  It meant I had to face my “shortcomings” and the fact that I had let me self go. And to be honest, who doesn’t get a bit intimidated about that!!

 I realized that I was letting the fear of failure limit me in other ways as well. How long have I want to take a dance class, but kept postponing it due to being too ‘busy with the kids’, when I know the truth is, that I was afraid of not being good enough?

 Furthermore, I love working with dogs, but I always felt I wasn’t a good enough trainer for the owners. So instead of facing my fears, I had unfortunately  stopped doing any dog training classes. And as a result, missing out on a lot of fun with some great people and their dogs.  

 I am sure I could come up with many more examples of times,I had “chickened” out.  As you can see, this was quite the AHA moment for me.

And what I find even more interesting is,  a conversation about strength training made me realize the limiting fear that was embedded within my thoughts and my view of myself. How come I never knew this about myself before? And if I feel this way, are other women experiencing the same thing? Probably. If this resonates with you, I truly encourage you to take a minute or five and just reflect on these thoughts. Maybe you will discover some interesting observations about yourself.

I believe we meet people for a reason and we have certain conversations for a reason. Just a couple of days prior to the strength training “talk” ,  I had a long overdue conversation with a girlfriend from Denmark, who is also a mother of two little ones. This girl is a super hero in my eyes. When she does something, she does it 120%.

With a  8 month old baby who is still not sleeping all trough the night, my friend  gets up super early to do an hour of P90X workout ( Yes, the hardcore P90- “have-you-lost-your-mind”X workout!) before the kids gets up.  I realized my excuse for not working out because “I’m- a-busy-working- mom” went straight out the window. And when I afterwards had the “fear of failure-talk” with my client, it really got my mindset back on what I wanted and the motivation to take the necessary action to make it happen.

So the next day, I went to Anytime fitness and signed up. I now get up an hour earlier so I can go to the gym in the morning.  I have found that I absolutely LOVE this hour in the morning of peace and quiet me-time, no matter how hard it is to get out of bed. And not only do I go to the gym.  I am actually doing a lot of strength training with free weights. Something I used to absolutely hate. But since I have allowed myself to fail each time I go there, I find that I push myself harder and enjoy it more.

After 2 months,  I now feel stronger , than I have  in 4 years. You can’t tell from the scale that I am working out ( but that is due to my nutrition and material for another post) but I can feel it!  And yes, I often have to battle the little voice inside my head saying:”Just give up – you are not seeing the result in the scale anyways.It is just a waste of time”. BUT thankfully I am very familiar with this voice. I  know it is my constant test and my goal is to prove the voice wrong.

Am I still fearful and intimidated of some things? yes of course, it is a hard habit to break after 35 years.  I am still intimidated by starting to run again. I think it is because I  used to be a runner . but now when I get on the treadmill, it is a “smack-in-your-face-how-bad -in-shape-I am” moment, and who wants to keep being faced with that type of “failure”? Nobody.

But that is just it. The lesson: Keep running and face what intimidates you and push yourself until failure. Then pick yourself up and keep pushing again. Keep in mind, nobody’s perfect. And the more I allow myself to not be perfect , the more I can just enjoy it.