Passion..where are you? I need you!

I’m sitting in my new house, waiting to feel the excitement and ecstasy I always imagined having more time on my own would bring. But on the contrary I feel more numb. After I quit my job, I thought being more home, would provide me with the much needed time I have always searched and hungered for. Time to ride the horses. Time for work the dogs. Time to clean the house. Time to read. Time to finish projects.Time to find my true calling. Time to really enjoy life. But instead I am left with a lack of excitement, a lack of motivation and a bit of guilt. I’m not sure whether this is just a part of the transitioning from relying on my masculine side and energies to always push me forward to get things done, to now trying to get in touch with my inner feminine side and voice OR if I am on the path towards a depression. It is a weird feeling to not feel anything. Besides the small pinch of guilt residing in the ego, I guess. The guilt of not being able to truly enjoy it all – to truly take advantage of the current situation and do all the things on the to-do list which has been postponed to the space in time “when I have the time”. I have everything I want. Everything I asked for, and still I’m left sitting not understanding WHY it’s not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the life the universe has helped me create – for both me , my husband and kids. But I still wonder, why? I am at a stage in my life where I don’t have to just jump out in the next new job, just to gain financial security. I am right now able to actually find out what it is I want to work with. What difference and mark I want to put on my life map. I should be over the moon excited for the future and all its new possibilities, now that I no longer am stuck behind a desk. Now that I have the chance to enjoy the weather, my house , my surroundings, my animals. All the things I was missing when working in an office in front of a computer. You see, I know all about the law of attraction. I know and believe we all have a life path designed to fuel our body, mind and spirit when we find it. I believe when you follow your heart and your passion, great things will happen. I know and believe all these theories, because I am the living proof. The universe has always found a way to give me the things and opportunities  I want. The universe has spoiled me – made me feel powerful and in control of my future. And for that I am grateful. But instead of marching forward towards all the great things I can make happen, I’ve lost my motivation. I lost the goal, my focal point. I have no clue what makes me happy. No clue to what my passion is. I know my skills, I know my interests, I know the world is full of so many wonderful opportunities, wonderful and wise people and full of magic. I love living and learning. Yet still I find myself in a place where even learning new things is overwhelming. Because it adds to my to-do list.It adds to my responsibilities. I have two businesses, which I know I can take to the next level with focus and goal setting. Two businesses, which products and services I truly believe in. All I have to do is make the decision to make it happen. To make them successful. So why do I hesitate? why do I put it off? Why do I only want to watch movies or read books? I’m wise enough to know that I am just trying to hide from reality. That watching and reading about fictional characters is just a way to be somewhere else – a better place where no decisions or plans need to be made. Where I am just watching , observing , feeling in the moment. Not analyzing, not planning, not adding to a to-do list. But we all know that you can’t hide from reality – with two kids and a husband, reality comes knocking at the door every morning when getting them ready and to daycare and when they come home again.

I have the opportunity of a lifetime to create the life I want. Take the road that will make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. Take the road that will make a difference. Find my path in life. Ironically, I have instead shot down. Life is strange and  I am sure there is a lesson in this for me to learn from. An experience which I need to recall when moving forward, to keep my focus. But right now I just feel lost.

I have been told, I am a writer. Not sure about that at first, but I did just start (usually don’t finish) a great book about how we all are writers , simply because we were born. I believe that.

I have been told that I have healing hands. Sounds like it would be a  great way to make a living – helping and healing people, but the desire is not there at the moment.

So what is my desire, what is my passion? Great questions and something I still haven’t been able to answer. One thing I know for sure: Never again an 8-5 job! It kills my soul and life is too short to sit behind a desk unless you truly enjoy it. After my last job, it took my brain about three weeks before it finally slowed down and stopped throwing ideas at me constantly at 90 mph. My brain sees opportunities and ideas everywhere, which gets me excited for a while, but then I lose motivation. I know I can never change that, and I shouldn’t. I should embrace it. But it also leaves me wonder, if I am just too spoiled? DO I just expect a lot and not wanting to do the work for it?

For now, the ideas are just overwhelming and I glad that it has finally decided to slow down. Ideas means new commitments and requirements and tasks. My to-do list is already two pages long with my current businesses and current commitments and opportunities.

I have an opportunity to write an article for the local news paper which will help promote me as the local expert in this field and help my business. I should be thrilled and excited. I’m not. I have postponed the article for over a month.

I am doing translation work for one of the most respected animal behaviorist and authors in America. It is only 2 pages.  I’m only halfway done. It has taken me over a year!

I have two videos I need to record. its only a few minutes long. I’ve had over two months. I haven’t even started.

I signed my dog up for new Trick class to earn his next title. I forgot all about it.

I have almost completed level II in Reiki. Tried twice.Lost my motivation.

This is only a few of my loose ends.The thing is, I see the opportunity, I jump for it and I will get the chance to do it. I’m not afraid to ask. I’m not afraid to introduce myself. I’m not afraid to put myself out there and yet there seem to be a wall growing bigger and bigger in front of me. A wall filled with all the loose ends of my opportunities and commitments. A wall full of never ending tasks which I need to complete. Books  I need to finish reading. Assignments I need to finish. Videos I need  to create and edit. Stories I need to finish writing. Emails I need to answer. Maybe that is it.Maybe nothing new can happen until I finish and deliver my loose ends in a neatly tied bow and can cross them off my list. Maybe my new focus is behind the wall, but first I need to take the wall down brick by brick, task by task. Maybe my inner filing cabinet is simply overloaded and went on a strike. I don’t blame it. Who knows how our inner self is working? I just know, I don’t like the current state of numbness, but I am also not quite sure whether I need to do something about it or just acknowledge, that it is a part of a my new journey. A part of my new transition and  it will eventually fade away.

One thing I do know, is that some day I would really like to meet my passion! To really discover what it is that will fuel my inner fire.  And to reconcile with all the strong emotions which were a part of me in my first twenty five or so years of my life. The strong and messy feelings. Back when I felt injustice to the bone. When I fell in love with everything I had. And when I was hurt, I felt it all through my soul. It was messy. It was exuberant. It was dramatic but it was alway exciting and it made me feel alive! I miss that. I miss feeling alive in my core.

I’mn not sure what to do now., except no more thinking. The recipe for right now must simply be to  put on some music.Loud music and dance around. Dance around like an idiot and  then take it from there.

Life is strange, wonderful and very ironic.

Hallelujah !